so i walked outside last night, to put something in the recycling bin,

and it struck me how beautiful the night is- even with the polluted air and orange clouds and two visible stars. i twirled around and took a few deep breaths and ducked back inside to answer my mother's questions of "why did you open the door? why did you go outside?"

why not?

its kind of sad, you know- all i want to do is sit on the stoop in the backyard, in the chill, and experience the night, but i know my parents would be out there in two minutes- what are you doing out here? its cold. you'll get sick. its dangerous. you'll get kidnapped. dont be silly. go inside.

but what kind of life are we to have glued to our speakers and screens? i think that we must expand our horizons, see more of the world, or see deeper into what is at hand, to live full lives. but i feel like i cant even go out onto my stoop and look at the sky.

i guess i should be grateful that i have been afforded this kind of life- i'll never be hungry. i'll always be housed and clothed and taken care of. but it just feels like... you cant be safe and be free.

but i want to experience life, escape from this gilded cage and go out to the desert. the forest. the night. the stars. i'm not sure if i want to travel the world, but... i'd like to live a real life.

what the hell are csi and jack fm and craftster.org going to teach me about life that nature cant? why are we so afraid of nature? why do we set up so many barriers between it and us? what is so attractive about civilized life?

i wonder what it would have been like to be thoreau, living on the edge of walden pond, in the middle of the wilderness, for two whole years. since i cant even go out to my own backyard, i think i'll go and finish reading his manuscript, and try and live his experience vicariously, at least until i can be free

random fact-i keep thinking of Tom of the glass menagerie, the play. similar situations, i guess.